The Viewing
Photo Credit: Glynis Morse
Explict Language
“Benji, bring Tina and I another,” mom says as she shakes her empty glass at me, the ice clinks loudly, and I cringe as everyone turns to look.
“Ok,” I say as I set down the programs I was handing out and I pluck the glass from her hand. Mom is busy entertaining Mrs. Collins, who is here from the society pages. Mrs. Collins is commenting on how tasteful everything is.
“How about you help me without the attitude today? Just today, can’t you be sensitive to what I’m dealing with?” Mom says, as she starts to dial up the hysterics. I know that I have about one second to pacify her before she gets loud enough to get everyone in the house’s attention.
Nothing I ever do is right. Straight As? But why didn’t I play any sports? Graduating college in three years? But couldn’t I have been home more to help with Dad’s business? Help with the business? But why did have to make all the billing so much more complicated? Never good enough.
“I’m sorry, I know its been hard, I’ll be back with refills and I’ll check on the food. Mrs. Collins, you look lovely.” I turn and place a perfunctory kiss on mom’s forehead as Mrs. Collins flushes happily. I can tell by mom’s well-acted sad-smile that I have temporarily averted the drama, but another drink will speed up the inevitable show I’m sure she has been planning. As I walk away I hear my mom telling Tina and Mrs. Collins that of course the viewing had to be at our house, she just had the kitchen re-done, and Kevin would have wanted everyone to see his last project. She gushed over how the funeral home made so many special arrangements so that the viewing could be here instead of at the funeral home, like it would have been if Kevin had been ‘just anybody’. I knew this already, as both Nika and I had to be with her as she painstakingly went over the viewing plans with the funeral staff. Detailing exactly how many waitress they would need, when food should be laid out, and when the musicians should start playing. The funeral director took down all the notes without much comment. Smart man.
I make a full pitcher of extra weak whiskey sours, refill both glasses, and add a cherry and a twist of lime. I can’t face going back over to Mom. I scan the room and see one of the funeral staff about to walk by.
“These are for Mrs. Hardin and Mrs. Vega. They will be asking for refills again soon. They can only come from this pitcher.” I said as I hold up the pitcher to show the waitress. “I made these special, just how she likes it.”
Of course, this waitress has already heard Mom scolding the other waitress for not refilling the ‘cocktail sausages’ on time, we all did, so with wide eyes, she nods. I take a deep breath to clear my head and the cloying smell of lilies and orchids is choking. The house is filled with wreaths and swags of flowers, so many it almost covers the scent of construction I hate so much. Our house always reeked of drywall dust and paint. Part of Mom’s never-ending quest to update the house. And of course, Dad indulged her. I guess that is a perk of owning a construction company. You can always just send in underlings to appease your wife and almost completely avoid having to interact with her and your kids.
“Benji, why are you hiding behind the bar? We need help greeting people as they come to pay respects,” Nika asks me and narrows her puffy, red-rimmed eyes at me.
“Benji, why are you hiding behind the bar? We need help greeting people as they come to pay respects.” Why is Benji always hiding from people when we need him most? God this day will never end. This house is full of people I’ve literally never met. How sweet.
“Nika, I’m doing the best I can. Mom just asked me to get her and Tina another drink,” Benji says to me, looking like a puppy that’s been kicked. I soften when I see he is trying to hold back tears.
“Ugh, sorry, I’m being a bitch, I know. But people keep cornering me to talk about how Dad was just such a great guy, giving to this charity or that. Those charity projects were all Mom’s. Anyone who knew them would know that. I can’t smile through one more story from someone who barely knew Dad.”
“We’re on edge, don’t worry about it,” Benji, super forgiving, perfect Benji, says. “Everyone just wants to pay Dad their respects. It’s thoughtful.”
I have to look away because I can’t stop the eye roll. I down the shot Benji pours me, grab a sparkling water and go back into the crowd. The bathroom door is open and I slip inside. Oh. My. God! A gold toilet seat and a chandelier in a half bath? Clearly Mom’s newest project.
Fuck! My eyes are so puffy, I didn’t even think I was crying that hard. The viewing is supposed to be for the family, for closure, but ours is a circus of fake people with their hands out ready to see what can be picked off the grieving family. And Mom is living for the role of Ring Master. I dab on more concealer and some lip gloss and head back into the spotlight.
“Mr. Howard. Thank you for coming.” I hand him a gilt program and lead him into the den to pay his respects to my Dad.
“So sorry for your loss, Nika. How are you holding up?” Mr. Howard looked at me, not around me, but into my eyes, not even noticing the gossiping hens clucking all around us. It was going to make me cry all over again.
“I’m ok. I mean, I’ll be ok, I guess, it’s just been a lot, and it was so unexpected.”
“How’s your mom?”
“Well, she planned a perfect party.”
“Don’t be too hard on her.” Crap! How did he know what I was thinking? I’ve got to get away from him, I do not need anyone seeing my thoughts right now! “She is just trying to deal with her loss by doing something she knows how to do well, and that happens to be planning a celebration. And that’s what this is, a celebration of your Father’s life.”
I stand with my mouth open for a few seconds, trying to recover from this unexpected wisdom bomb Mr. Howard has decided to drop on me.
“I guess I haven’t looked at it like that.”
I show him where he can drop his condolence card and get out of there before he can make me ugly cry.
“Hey, Nika.” Robby’s voice startles me out of my contemplative state. Robby is Tina’s son. He’s like family to me. Even though he and Benji are in the same grade, Robby and I hung out more. Benji may have been my actual brother, but when we were little, Robby felt more like one. Of course, that was until Robby’s dad, Joe, walk out on Robby and his mom. Joe started working late a lot. Then one day, he said he wanted to be happy and he left with a lady from human resources that he worked with. They moved to another town, and Tina was left to raise Robby alone. That was when Robby and I stopped hanging out as much. But now I know too much to look at him the same way. Knowing secrets changes the way you see people.
“Oh, hey. I saw your mom first thing this morning, but I wasn’t sure where you were.” I didn’t mean for it to sound so accusatory. Well, maybe I did. My Dad practically raised Robby, couldn’t he have at lease been here to help set up?
“I was arranging to cover all the job sites that your Dad was running. Everyone is being really understanding, but the work doesn’t stop just because your Dad isn’t here.”
“He’s dead. He’s not just ‘not here’ because he’s on vacation. He’s dead.” I look him square in the eyes, unblinking, my throat full with unshed tears.
“I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just a lot for me to take on. And several of our big corporate jobs are already asking how behind this is going to put their projects. He was like a Father to me, you know that.” I was just going to walk away, but when his voice breaks at the end, I ease up a little.
“I know.” I put my hand on his shoulder, but I can’t stand here and comfort Robby as he mourns the loss of MY dad. God, is anybody not being a selfish asshole today? I gently remove my hand and turn to walk away.
“Have you seen my mom?” Robby’s voice stops me before I can fully make my escape.
“She’s with my mom, in the dining room. Follow the smell of whiskey sours.”
As I watch Robby walk away I can’t help but wonder what he must be feeling today. Joe walked out on him, and basically disappeared. Joe came to Robby’s district football game the year he left. We were all sitting down, waiting for the kickoff, a big deal because afterward the cheerleaders always lead the crowd in the school chant. It had been a tradition for decades. I know, Texas middle school football is an absolute nightmare. We were all sitting huddled under layers of blankets, shouting the chant. Then Tina just froze. Joe was walking up the bleachers toward us. The look she gave Joe was chilling. I couldn’t believe he had come either. Our parents had sat Benji and I down after they split and explained how Joe and Tina were getting divorced, and how horrible Joe was, and why we wouldn’t be seeing him around anymore. But there he was. He started walking toward us, and even I, at fourteen years old, felt how uncomfortable this was! I mean, why even try to sit by us. Sit literally anywhere else in the stands. Joe stopped about six feet from us and said he just wanted us all to be able to be there for Robby. My dad, who had been Joe’s best friend since childhood, stood up and closed that gap so fast. I could tell he was trying not to make a scene, but I could hear the violence in his voice when he told Joe that his chance to ‘be there for Robby’ was before he left his family to fuck a twenty-year-old. Joe sat in the stands with the other team. We all went back to watching the game, but all night I saw everyone glancing over to where he was sitting. His name wasn’t spoken again that night. The next time I saw Joe was the next year at Robby’s first football game of his eighth-grade year. I went back to the car to get a blanket I left there and saw Joe sitting in his car with the windows down listening to the announcers. He saw me and started to wave, but stopped and looked down. I told Robby about it as soon as the game was over, but he refused to even go to the parking lot to see him. I never saw Joe again. It was sad to see a grown man sitting all alone in the parking lot at his son’s game. I actually felt bad for him. But I guess I was the only one.
So, of course, my dad ended up being a pretty important person in Robby’s life. My dad never missed a game. Every football game, through high school, even if he was off on a job site, he would show up and cheer. We all went and sat together. They even made Benji come, but he would just bring homework to work on. Now Robby runs job sites for my dad’s construction company. He has the same knack for building that my dad does. Did. And as Dad’s company grew so quickly, he needed more and more help. Benji helps out too when he’s home from college. He sorts through the billing paperwork. He set up the new billing system dad uses. Used.
I grab a glass of white wine off a tray as the waitress makes her rounds in the rooms. It’s too sweet, my mom’s taste. I finish it in three mouthfuls, as I head to the front door to continue greeting the mourners, my job at this ‘celebration of his life’. The front door opens and the dark interior of the entryway is lit up bright as can be, which catches my attention. It’s been cloudy all day, but this means the sun is fully out. The person steps through the doorway, back-lit so that their face is in complete darkness. I step forward on auto-pilot to hand them a program and freeze. I must look stupid, standing here with my arm half raised to hand over a program, mouth gaping. But I just can’t move to react. I’m not sure if I should ask him to leave or usher him in. I unfreeze after an awkwardly long pause.
“Hey, Joe. Is this the best choice?”
“Probably not. But it’s not like there will be another chance later.”
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?” I hear Robby yell from the bar.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?” I yell. Jesus, I hadn’t meant to yell that loud. My hands are shaking. I thought that was just something people said but my hands are actually shaking. But I’ve been dealing with shit all day. Of course, every corporate rep in a shitty suit figured their main job was to talk down to the twenty-two-year-old construction worker. Pricks. Kevin always knew how to handle them, put them in their place. And then I get here, and Nika throws her attitude my way. I can’t believe I am being given shit for not helping with the party decor! Sorry for trying to save your Dad’s company so you can keep living your spoiled life, fucking around at college for five years. Why is Nika always so hateful? She can try to mask it, but I know her. When we were little, we were so close. We would meet every weekend at the park. We would swing as high as we could, trying to make the swings make a full circle around the bar. When I was in seventh grade my dad just walked out on me. I poured my heart out to her. She was the only one who ever saw me cry over that man. Then one day I called her to meet me at the park like usual. She just blew me off with an ‘I can’t. I just can’t.’ Things were never the same after that.
Whatever. I’m here, but I’m not family, so of course, I don’t get to mourn like they do. I’m supposed to be supporting them in their crisis. Jesus! He was the only father I’ve had for the last ten years. But no, Nika, it’s all about you, like always.
I was heading to the bar and then to the dining room to check on mom and Lisa. I hoped Nika was exaggerating about the whiskey sours. Lisa gets to be a handful when she drinks, and it’s not like Kevin is here to corral her. I’m sure that will fall to me. Just as I poured myself a Jack, the entryway flooded with bright light, blinding. I looked over, but it took me forever to finally accept that I’m actually seeing him. And I just exploded!
It feels like my vision goes red and by the time I come back to myself I have my dad pressed against the entry way wall and hands are trying to pull me off.
“Robby, stop. STOP. Let go of him.” Benji’s voice breaks through my red haze and I step back. I look up into his face.
“You should leave. Now.” I straighten my suit jacket staring straight into that asshole’s face. With a last glare, I brush Benji’s hands off me. Like he was going to be able to hold me back, what was he planning to do? Dad never even put his hands up to stop me. Didn’t even try to defend himself. Fucking wuss.
I turn to walk away, back to the bar to get that Jack. Fuck this, I’m getting a double. As I turn, I see my mom and Lisa standing frozen in the door to the entryway. Mom’s chin is trembling as she clenches her fist at her side, her drink is in mid-air on the way to her mouth. Joe takes a step toward her, and I step back to intercept him.
“Tina, please, let me…”. Dad doesn’t finish that thought because Mom’s drink flies from her hands in a perfect arc straight at his head. He ducks at the last minute and the glass shatters against the wall with a deafening crash that silences the whole house, the drink covering the glossy pale pink paint and spreading down the wall.
“Come on. Let’s go in the other room while someone takes this trash out,” I say as I walk over to take my Mom and Lisa’s arms and escort them out of the room.
“Benji, can you clean that up, dear?” Lisa calls over her shoulder to her son. Of course, Benji is already sweeping up the glass. Perfect Benji.
“I’m so sorry Lisa. I didn’t mean to make a scene. I’m supposed to be here to support you. We’re at your husband’s viewing.” My mom’s face is flushed red and her temples are wet with sweat.
“I’m so sorry Lisa. I didn’t mean to make a scene. I’m supposed to be here to support you. We’re at your husband’s viewing.” I can feel my burning hot cheeks and can’t believe I just did that. I didn’t plan to do it. “I don’t know why he would come here. Hasn’t he caused enough pain?”
Robby steers us to the wet-bar at the back of the parlor room and pours us both a whiskey sour. Lisa drinks her’s down quickly but I’m just staring at mine. I can’t decide if I should go make Joe leave, so Lisa and her kids don’t have to deal with him or if should I be comforting Robby. He hasn’t seen his father since he walked out on us. Of all the days for him to show up, Robby is already dealing with so much. And so are Kevin’s kids. They don’t need the stress of this today. No, today is not about me. Today is not about my confused feelings. I’m here for Lisa. I stop staring at my glass and clear my throat.
“Come on, Lisa, let’s go back to the dining room. People are probably wanting to offer you their condolences.” I shake my head one last time to clear the cobwebs and take her arm. I see her set her empty glass down on the bar as we walk away.
“Yes, you’re probably right, but let’s go to the kitchen. They can meet me there. I need wine. And some cheese. Robby, can you ask Nika to come find me?”
Lisa and I go to the kitchen to oversee the rest of the day. Of course, Lisa is so cool under pressure. Not like me, I just fall to pieces.
“I”m going to freshen up, Lisa. Are you going to be ok while I’m gone?”
“Oh, yes dear, you go freshen up. Can you bring me another drink on the way back?”
I nod absently as I beeline for the bathroom to gather myself. Seeing Joe has brought back all the things I fought to forget. The pain and humiliation of him leaving. Everyone knew he was shacking up with that girl from his human resources department. But when he actually left us for her! Everywhere I walked in town people whispered. Every time someone asked ‘How are you holding up’ with that pitying look. And Joe was just gone. Off to live his carefree life. He didn’t send one card to Robby, not on his birthday, not on Christmas, not one. And now he shows up here?
I wipe my forehead with a cool cloth to try to calm myself, but nothing seems to be working. With a deep breath, I open the door and exit the lush guest bathroom and pull up short. Joe is skulking in the hallway, clearly waiting for me.
“No. I’m not doing this with you, Joe.”
“Tina, please. Just hear me out. I’ve been trying to work up the courage to talk to you and Robby for years. Kevin was my best friend! We grew up together. I just want to pay my respects to him and see you guys. I miss you both.”
“How dare you try to pretend like you miss us! It’s been ten years! You could have come back anytime. You are the most selfish person! How dare you make this harder on Robby! He’s already trying to keep Kevin’s company running, by himself, and grieve the loss of the only father he’s known for the last decade. And you just show up and make things harder! My God! Do you think about anyone but yourself?” I turn to walk away, completely done with this conversation. I stop when I feel his hand on my arm.
“Get your hands off me!” I scream.
“Tina, stop. Just wait.”
“NO! I won’t stop.” He won’t let me go. “Get off.” I try to pull my arm away.
“Please. I just want to be in Robby’s life. I know I don’t deserve it. But I want to be there for him now.”
His hand is still gripping my arm, pinning me in place. The smell of his cheap drug store cologne reaches me and I see the flashes of him packing his bags the day he left. Throwing that bottle of cologne on top of his duffle bag. It had been at that moment that I had realized that he had been putting on cologne every day for months. Not for me. For her.
“You don’t deserve to be in Robby’s life! You left us! Now just stay out!”
“No, I won’t leave until we talk. I’m his father. You can’t change that, and I won’t leave until we work this out.” Seeing his stubborn face and feeling his hand on me, I snap. That’s the only thing that can explain it.
“GET OUT! YOU THINK YOU’RE HIS FATHER? YOU WERE NEVER HIS FATHER!” I stop when I realize what I’ve just said. I watch as the full meaning of my words hits home. I see his face fall and feel his hand slide off my arm down to his side. I feel a full moment of vindictive satisfaction as I see the pain run across his face. But my stomach falls when I look up into Robby’s eyes. I hadn’t noticed him slip into the room. I hadn’t noticed that everyone seemed to be watching Joe and I fight. My eyes slide around the room and land on Lisa.
“Tell him who Robby’s real father is.” Nika steps forward.
“Tell him who Robby’s real father is.” I step forward and cross my arms, staring straight into Tina’s eyes. “Go ahead, tell him! I heard you and Dad talking! I know my Dad is probably Robby’s father! GOD! You are such a hypocrite! You act like the victim! But you don’t even know who Robby’s real dad is!”
“What?” Robby looked stunned. I wasn’t even thinking about Robby during my stupid outburst.
“Robby, I’m sorry. Oh, God. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.” I step a half step toward Robby.
“You didn’t mean for it to come out like that? How long have you known? How could you not tell me?”
Tina walks over to Robby to try to rub his arm, but he pulls away from her.
“Mom, seriously? This can’t be true? After you spent so much time crying over Dad, and how he hurt you? And how you made me swear I would never talk to him again? And you don’t even know who my father is? I can’t even look at you right now.” He stepped even farther back, his arms extended out in front of him, like he was trying to create a physical barrier between him and his mom.
“You knew?” He looks at me, so hurt, his voice almost quiet.
“I’m sorry. I heard them talking when your Dad first left. I was just a kid too. I didn’t know what to do. I hated knowing!” It all rushes out of me.
“We aren’t kids anymore! It never occurred to you to mention it? In all this time?”
The quiet is oppressive. Nobody is moving. The whole crowd is just staring at us, enjoying the show as all our worlds shatter.
“HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT MY DEAD HUSBAND LIKE THIS! How dare you besmirch his name, and he’s not even here to defend himself! Quit spreading your vicious lies! My husband was a great man, a good provider! Look at our house!” Mom yells.
My head jerks up to see my mom in full meltdown. She is raising her hand indignantly to cover her eyes as she gestures around at our house. I hold back my eye roll, but can’t keep a very heavy sigh from escaping.
“Out! Get out! All of you! I won’t stand here and let you all spread that filth around about our family! Benji, get everyone out! I need to go lie down. I can’t deal with anything else today. Nika, how could you? What will people say?”
And mom sweeps dramatically up the stairs, leaving all of us to deal with the on-lookers. People slowly gather their things and head toward the door. I can tell some are taking their time, hoping for more fireworks. I see Mrs. Collins, pen still in hand, is furiously writing. I’m sure this will be the cover for the society pages. This time I can’t hold back my eye roll.
“Show’s over people. Time to go.” I bark out, swiping angrily at the tears that are running down my face.
Benji is trying to catch my eye, but I ignore him and head back to the kitchen away from this disaster. I make it to the kitchen before I can’t hold myself together anymore. As ten years of pent up anger pour out of me, my tears finally make it impossible for me to see anymore and I slide down the wall into a ball, where I can let the weight of the truth that I’ve carried alone seep out in my shuddering sobs.
From the other room I distantly hear Benji, “Please, everyone, we need space.”
“Please, everyone, we need space.” I start ushering the stragglers out the door. But my mind is spinning, not on the task at all. Everyone was gathered around to watch the fight unfold, so it isn’t hard to push them all out. Robby ran out the door with Tina on his heels. I hear the squeal of tires peeling out and I know Tina didn’t catch up with him. Joe is the last to leave. He is just standing there, stunned. He looks up to me, like he is expecting me to know what to say. At last, he turns and shuffles out the door. I close it and lock it behind him.
I walk to the den, my dress shoes smacking loudly on the tile, each footfall echoing in the sudden silence. With each step, I see a new memory.
Step. I smile excitedly as I bring my dad my first place ribbon from my 5th-grade science fair. He takes it from me, and tells me ‘good job bud,’ and sets it on the sofa table without looking at it as he grabs his keys. “Can you tell me about it as you hustle to the car? We’re late for Robby’s football game.’
Step. I tell my Dad I solidified valedictorian, but it’s hard for him to hear over the ruckus as everyone gets ready for prom at our house. He bought everyone champagne to celebrate Robby getting Prom King our senior year. I am not going, I don’t have time to date and keep my grades up.
Step. I had stayed up all night updating every computer in my Dad’s office to the new billing system I modified for him to make keeping up with clients easier while I’m away at college. He smiles at me and throws a thank you my way, as he and Robby head out the door to the job site to check on the project that Robby is overseeing. His first time overseeing one.
As I stand at the doorway to the den, I can see my dad’s casket, but I can’t make myself go in. I stand there, wondering if I had been my Dad’s only son, then would I have been enough? If Robby hadn’t been there to outshine me, would my light have been enough to make my dad proud? Would I have tried so hard if I had known I was competing? Could I have stopped trying to win his love? I take a deep breath and walk up to the casket. My throat burns with unshed tears. My eyes blur as I look down at his face.
“Was I ever enough?” I ask my dad. “Did you at least love me as much as you loved Robby?”
He looks back, face empty. I close the casket and walk away. Step.
Writing Prompt:
Switch points-of-view between different characters. You can use first or third person point of view for your narration, but decide how you are going to let your readers know when you have switched to a new point of view.
Bonus Content: Challenge yourself to include ice, flowers, and running in your story.
Post your piece below in the comments. I can’t wait to read it. And be sure to let me know what you think of my story The Viewing! Could you tell when the point of view changed?
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